How unfair is life?

Today, I have come to note that life is very very unfair.

Her, being all that she is... flirtatious... getting all the men everywhere and dumping them when she gets bored. All along, she's attached. It grosses me out... I cannot comprehend it when she tells me she's serious. What about her current real bf?

All the things those guys will do for her... fly to her. Damn it. It's sick that she's toying around with them like that and they're willing to do so much.

Then I remembered how much we loved each other... How it was really unfair that we didn't have the capability to meet- take the aeroplane and fly to wherever we are. It's so unfair it's pissing me off... we were so serious and so in love... yet we didn't have the ability to meet.

Yet someone who's taking love and relationships so lightly... they get to meet.

Fuck. Life is so damn unfair. Makes me wanna hurl just talking to her.

Yes, I am jealous. Only because it's supposed to happen to US not to her. Because we were serious, and she is not. She doesn't deserve good things happening to her.

The one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world.. was to have him take a plane here, move here, marry me and live like that forever.

Reality likes to turn around and bite you in the ass really hard.

One can still hope- that maybe, just maybe... one day, your job would take you here.

There's no one else who would listen to me now. So I guess I can only type it out here. I miss you so much... I wanna talk to you, laugh over your jokes, spend time with you because you're ever so interesting. I really really miss you.

There's no one else like you. And there will never be one like you. You're so special and you'll always be in my heart.

sad

I'm trying to resist the feeling of sadness now.. but it's starting to become overwhelming.

Nothing to do, all alone, no one to talk to...

Then I remember it wasn't always like this. That just 1 month ago, I was having so much fun with him. He was all that I needed to talk to, play with and just enjoy myself. Never bored... cos I enjoy his company as it is.

Now I have nothing.

I miss him so much. I wanna talk to him, laugh with him, spend time with him and be loved by him.

I want him to tell me how special I am to him... how I am his princess. How everyone else who couldn't see how wonderful a person I am could just go away for all he cares.

I really really felt that he was the perfect one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think I need him much more than he needs me. I'm glad the last time I spoke to him, I thanked him for everything he gave me- happiness, love and so much more.

Deep down, I know I want him to love me again... yet I've realized he doesn't.

If u asked me what my dream man is like, looks and character... everything I say would just be something that he is.

Funny, music lover, pet lover, smart as hell, great english, sweet, kind, loving....The most beautiful brown eyes which looked so sad because of all the things he went through...

I want him back... so bad...

Reminder to self

Dear self,

Read and remember:

1. Since he mentioned friendship to u, he really means it.

2. If he hates u, he'd have blocked u and turned ur emails into spam. He wouldn't have kept u as a contact.

3. He wouldn't even bother to email to tell u it's over and wants a friendship if he really hates u. He won't even talk and will just want to get it over.

4. Trust him. Let him approach u eventually.

Good thing Jisun reminded me of all that. Yup.

Breakups

Just thinking alot about my past breakups...

Even though I agreed to be friends with them, I never did speak to them again. I'm trying to think of reason(s) as to why that happens.

Is it because I can't stand the sight of them anymore? Or I just plainly hate them?

No.. that just can't be it.

All of them didn't deal with the breakup well at all... they just turned into little demanding brats who started to verbally abuse me. Or they just couldn't move on. How do you maintain a friendship with someone who keeps saying 'I love you' or 'I miss you'? It's hard. It makes things so damn awkward. More awkward than it already is to talk normally with them.

Of course, the verbal abuse just didn't cut it. Made me hate them instead.

I guess I just haven't had an ex who treated the breakup maturely, moved on, and tried to befriend me again.

I really wonder if J is able to do it. To really be friends with me again. I hope he doesn't hate me :(

I haven't done anything to cause him hatred. Unless it's the emails I've been sending to him. Doesn't seem like he reads it anyway. Geez.

Maybe he's not emotionally ready for this. He might have suggested being friends, but emotionally just not ready to be friends again. I guess I'll just have to.. back off and let him be for awhile.

All my friends keep telling me to give him some time. Awhile. But really, how long is 'some time'? Or 'awhile'? I guess I'm prepared to give him half a year. Probably just totally not email him anymore.

Not email him anymore. That will be an utter challenge. I love talking to him and telling him stuff, hearing him talk about stuff. Geez. Guess whatever that I want to say, I'd say it here instead.

Blog.. I will blog alot.